The fate of lovers...

I’m sure I should start looking for a job right away, but I feel like I need a few days off. A few days to catch back up with family and friends. Let them know I’m home. Put out there that I’m looking for a car and a job. Helpful hints are much appreciated.


October 14, 2011
I’ve been home for just over a week. Oddly enough I’m feeling a little melancholy...homesick if you will. Maybe things didn’t turn out the way I had wanted and maybe I wasn’t 100% happy but I was fulfilling a dream of mine. I was having the experience of a lifetime. I was living in another country, with new friends (american and otherwise), learning a new language and living in a culture so far out of the comfort of most of our boxes...I was living in AFRICA!! For goodness sake who gets to do that? How many people get to live their dream? How many people get the opportunity, again good or bad, to live in another country for a time? I was doing it, and I left. I left early and not accomplished much of anything. It has been harder coming home then it was leaving. 

Most people don’t know this as I didn’t make a big deal about it there or to my friends and family here, but I had a boyfriend (I hate using that word at my age, but what else is there...male friend...LOL) in Mali. He is Malian, I won’t divulge his age as I don’t want to set myself out there as a “cougar”, he lives in Bougouni the city that I would go to on the weekends to get food, recharge my rechargables, talk to family and friends and relax with other english speaking persons. He is an English teacher in a small village about 80K from Bougouni towards Bamako...putting him that much further away from the village that I lived in. But it is summer and he was home (Bougouni) every day until the first Sunday in October when he moved back to his school village (he left for his village the same day that I left for Bamako to start my journey back home). Once he does that he will only return to Bougouni to visit with his family the last weekend of the month. So even if I was staying I would only see him one weekend a month. But, at least I would still be in the same country with him.

I went to the post office one weekday that I was in Bougouni to pick up a couple of boxes. I didn’t know they would weigh so much. It seems like such a long way back to the house when your arms where full. Just when I thought I’m never going to make it back a guy walked up to me, oddly enough that spoke English, and asked if I needed help. Of course I need help. My arms are falling off. So he took one of the boxes and walked me all the way back to the transit house. His name is Mamadou. I was so grateful.

A few weeks later, in July, when we had to report back to Tubaniso, the PC training camp, I took the bus into Bougouni where I would spend the night and then leave with other volunteers in the morning. Because we were going for 2 weeks I had my carry on suitcase and my backpack. Of course it was well over 110 degrees. As I’m dragging this stuff down the street here comes Mamadou on his scooter (vespa type moto that everyone drives in Mali) to the rescue again. Do I need help? Of course I need help. So he put my suitcase in front of him and me behind him and we’re off to the house. This time he stayed and chatted for a few minutes and then we exchanged numbers so we could be text friends and maybe hang out a bit here and there when I was in Bougouni. This is the story of how I met my friend, Mamadou.

He is handsome, funny, young (hehehe) and he speaks English. What more could a girl ask for? We started texting back and forth right away. He said a couple of things that made me think he wanted to be more than friends. Being old enough to be his mother I thought it appropriate to nip that in the bud and let him know that we would be better to stay friends because of the above age difference. He seemed OK with that. But I would see him here and there when I visited Bougouni and then thought, “what the heck, if he wants to date an old lady who am I to argue”. Thus blossomed our short, fun, interesting, heartbreaking relationship. I say “heartbreaking” because of the sad feelings when we finally had to part ways. If I stayed our relationship would not have progressed much further than it already was. For goodness sake...did I mention I was old enough to be his mother?? Not to mention once a Malian man always a Malian man and Malian men and American women should not be any type of long term relationship. They are so archaic in there thinking...from making sure the women they marry are virgins to thinking it’s OK to hit their wives if they are not behaving properly. They may not all do it but they do believe it’s OK to do. I’m old enough to have a relationship and move on. I’ve done a lot of that over the years. I guess the difference being I never left the country so there was always a chance if I changed my mind... I didn’t think it would matter much to me. Apparently I was wrong.

For the most part Malians are not affectionate people. I wasn’t even sure who was married to whom in my village. The men and women don’t even talk to each other. I was never sure who was the mother to which children...or is that there grandmother...or not even related. The adults show no affection to each other and there isn’t much love and hugs or kisses with the children. Who belongs to who?  But Mamadou was a little different.  He would text me every night in my village and tell me he is "looking forward to seeing me", "I miss you"...he even came to visit me in my village one night.  Boy that was the talk of the town. 

We spent my whole last week together before I left...and he left.  Mamadou is an english teacher in a village about 80K from where he lives.  Once he goes out there when school begins he only returns home one weekend a month.  So we were both getting ready to leave only when he returned home that once a month I would not be there to see him.  We had a good week.  We spent every night together.  Then finally came Sunday morning.  It was time for him to leave for his small village and for me to leave to spend then next few days in Bamako until my departure date.  Saying goodbye was harder than I had imagined.  How do you let go of someone knowing that chances are you would never see that person again.  Again, I knew our relationship would never go any further but it did not make it any less painful.  I cried and he got teary eyes (more unusual Malian behavior).  He told me don't cry, don't cry.  Everything in life happens for a reason.  Then he left. 

A few hours later I received a text from him.  "Hi my baby.  Please do not weep.  It has always been the fate of lovers that they may part.  It is through you I learn a deep sense of love.  I never forget.  I love you. XOXOXO"

My homecoming

SURPRISE – October 6, 2011
In hindsight maybe surprising everyone wasn’t the best idea. I had to wake up my roommates to surprise them. They were so happy to see me but I’m sure they were not excited about the fact that they stayed up talking to me for an hour before heading back off to bed. They are going to be tttiiirreeeddd at work tomorrow.

Then I had to wait until the next day to see either of the boys. The original idea was to try and set it up so we could get Loreen and Randy and both boys in the same spot at the same time. Once I realized that was impossible, between the time I would be arriving and the boys work and school schedule. I was feeling bad now. I should have just arranged to have them pick me up at the airport. But what’s done is done. So then next morning I went over to were Josh is living and my friend called him to tell him to come outside. Being my crybaby he immediately started crying. We hugged and cried...he did say he was hoping when the time came that he wanted to pick me up at the airport. Oh well...again, in hindsight... We could only spend a few minutes because he had to leave for work. After we got Jarrod to meet us down at Starbucks at the Santee Trolley Station. I was walking through the parking lot towards him. When he saw me he looked around as if trying to figure out if he was on candid camera. His first words were, “You are so F’n skinny.” Nice... It was a good surprise all around.

They are excited to have me home to say the least. I think me being gone was harder on them than it was on me. I’ve been the person they have relied on their whole lives up until now. And although some would say they are old enough to take care of themselves, I don’t think children are ever old enough to not need the support of their moms. I know nothing would make my life just a little easier if my mother was still here to call when times got rough, to call when I needed a little help with some cash, to visit whenever I wanted to and just to know she was always there for me. Right where she was supposed to be. I can’t blame them for wanting me to come home. I wonder though...would I have stayed if it weren’t for that?

Last minute chores and my travels

October 3, 2011




I saw Dr. Dawn today. She gave me a TB test and took blood to run some tests. I will need to give a urine sample and stool sample. That’s always fun!! Especially since I’m not an everyday pooper. They will check liver function, kidney function, red and white blood cells, check for shistos (worms), worms (worms), giardia, aomebas, and other such parasites that after this prolonged period of time I probably have. I got on a scale and have lost 44 pounds since I’ve been here. They are not too happy about that but are glad to know that it’s been over the whole period of time that I’ve been here and it didn’t happen suddenly because I was sick. I told her that if I lost all this weight because I have some kind of worms then she should leave them there. I’d rather have worms then gain all that weight back. And I am afraid of gaining it back to. It is too easy to overeat in the states. There is so much food and cheaper than eating here comparitively speaking. I had my blood pressure checked, hearing, vision. I got a voucher so I can have my teeth checked and cleaned when I get home. And was told that with everything going on and the fact that I have to go to the bank and close out my account I would be leaving Wednesday...there is only midnight ish (between midnight and 2am) flights out of Bamako. OK Wednesday. Again it’s going so fast it’s making me nervous, but may as well get it over with.


October 4, 2011

Went back to the bureau. Met with the guy to take me to the bank and closed out my account and met back with Dr. Dawn. My blood test results are in and most is good except for I am anemic. Which makes sense. It is hard to eat properly in a small village. There is no fruits and vegetables available every day. And I won’t cook meat myself. So my diet has been lax of the vitamins and minerals one needs to stay really healthy. I got another voucher. Dr. Dawn said to go home, eat well for a couple of weeks and then have my tests repeated in the states at PC expense.

Then in the middle of our discussion Dr. Dawn said, “you do know you’re leaving tonight, right?” UMMM....NOOOOO. I heard more than once from more than one person that I was leaving Wednesday around midnight. Now I’m freaking out again. But again, better to just get it over with. I now have my ticket on me and will be on a 2am flight out of Bamako, through Casablanca, JFK and into San Diego by 10pm Wednesday CA time. So I will be in one state of travel or another (flights, layovers, etc) for 26 hours. Now I have to really say goodbye to everyone. I won’t cry, I won’t cry...it’s the right move for me at the right time. But I have made a few friends along the way. I will miss them.

11:30pm

The PC car just came to pick me off. I’m off to the airport. The first leg of my trip is only a 3 ½ hour flight. Then a 7 hour layover in Casablanca. Unfortunately there is nothing close enough to make it worth trying to venture out.

I am in Casablanca. It was so foggy when we landed I didn’t even know we were close to the ground when we hit. As you can imagine that gave me quite a scare. When you don’t see the ground underneath you and then you hit you know about it. Scared the crap out of me. The airport is filled with duty free shops with cool stuff. I wish I would have skipped shopping yesterday in Bamako so I could buy more cool stuff here. That’s OK, I got a couple of cool tokens and I will wait for my flight. Only 3 more hours.

I just got charged $6 for a small bottle of water and a small bag of potato chips. And I paid it. Not like I can run out to 7-11.

I’m off to JFK.

This flight was 8 hours. That’s a lot of time to be sitting and doing nothing. Thankfully the plane was only half full so there was plenty of room to stretch out and at least be comfortable. About 6 out of the 8 hours was choppy and bumpy with a couple of really rough spots. Thank goodness for Dramamine and Sea-Bands for motion sickness. The landing...OMG...I’m convinced now that it wasn’t turbulance but the pilot doesn’t know how to drive. The landing was awful and the plane was wavering back and forth. There was no signs of any great winds outside. The lady one row up and across the isle threw up. I don’t blame her. My palms were getting sweaty and was feeling a little peaked myself.

I have to wonder about the folks that put together the reservations. I had a 3 hour and 20 minute flight to Casablanca from Bamako. Then a 7 hour layover. Then an 8 hour flight to New York with 1 hour and 20 minutes to catch my flight to San Diego. In the 1+ hour I had to go through customs, go through security, claim my baggage, recheck it on the other side then run outside and over 2 terminals to catch my flight. The customs line was probably 2 hours long. Thankfully because my flights were so close together I got a quick connect...like a quick pass at Disneyland. So I got through in about 20 minutes. Then I got to security and there was about a 20 minute wait. I told the lead person there that my flight was in 25 minutes and I still needed to get my luggage and recheck it. So they let me go through again. I got my luggage, ran over to the counter to recheck it. The guy said they had already started boarding that I needed to RUN!! So I ran outside, up the hill and over two terminals. I had to go through another security. But they let me go through as well. Just as I was running up to the counter at the boarding gate the guy had the phone in his hand to page me. I made it on the plane. I was concerned about my luggage. If the guy at the counter said I needed to run to make my plane, what was the chances that someone at the airport outside would run to make sure my luggage got on said plane.

Sure enough, although another uneventful flight, my luggage did not arrive with me. Delta SAYS it will be here in the morning and someone will deliver it to my home. Thankfully I have clothes in my carry on.

My friends daughter picked me up at the airport. The plane was actually 30 minutes early. Good head winds I guess. We headed home for the first of 2 big surprises. My friend stood there with her mouth open after I jumped out of the dark at her. It took her a good 20-30 seconds to realize what was going home. She was beside herself. Then her husband came around the corner. He was just as excited. It was a fun surprise. Can’t wait to see the boys in the morning. Still not sure how I’m going to surprise them. I’m just hoping it will come to me.

Surprise, surprise, surprise...

Dropping the bomb...

September 28, 2011

Telling the other volunteers is proving to be harder than I thought. No one ever wants to see the others leave before our time. But they are understanding. They know that I’ve been having a hard time at my site. Some of them feel that they want to go home as well...but they won’t. They will suffer through and finish their time like it or not. The one thing I feel that they have that I don’t is the luxury of time. Being older, the thought of doing something I don’t feel good about, am not happy about and have no success to speak of for the next 2 years doesn’t appeal to me. Although I never would have thought I would renig on this commitment, or any commitment, and I had no intention of leaving early when I came here it’s just the way it worked out. Sorry if I’m disappointing anyone. No one is more disappointed in this than I am but I just can’t stay here for the sake of staying here. Wasting time and money has to stop somewhere.
Luckily my best friends that I was living with while I was waiting to leave will be so excited to hear I am coming back and will welcome me back into their home with open arms. It feels good to know I have such good friends. And eventually when I start working, and with the boys both working now, I hope to rent something again for the three of us and make sure they stay on their feet. In the meantime, my friends daughter is the only one that knows I’m coming back. We decided to keep it a surprise from her parents and the boys and surprise the. Since I have no idea at this point what time, day or anything I will be getting home it’s hard to plan this surprise but I’m sure we’ll think of something when the time comes. Now I’m finally feeling excited to be going home. They are going to shit themselves.
PC Shuttle is here
October 2, 2011

So the shuttle came to bougouni today and picked up me and all my stuff. We will go directly to the PC offices so I can drop off everything that is staying here and then when I get to the transit house I can repack and make sure I have everything that I’m taking and take out anything that is staying. Some clothes, toiletries. No sense lugging all that stuff back. We have stores with soap and shampoo in the states. I came into town on Sunday and the bureau is closed so I will have to wait until tomorrow to find out what I need to do.

Can't bring myself to do it...

September 26, 2011

So I thought about it, as I have been thinking about it day and night and I am so demotivated at this point I have decided now would be the right time for me to go home. I have stayed up nights, worrying myself sick wondering if this would be the right decision or not. I don’t want to go home and then wonder would it have been different and maybe worked out if I stayed longer. I kept coming up with “no...I don’t think so”. And so my decision is final. I am in Bougouni today so I will call PC and let them know. Knowing I was going to call them this morning I woke up sick to my stomach, very nervous and spent most of the morning crying. Like it or not this has been “home” for the past 8 months. I do like the people in my village and it will be hard to leave. PC was upset at losing what they consider a good volunteer. They are upset that they had not offered me enough support over the past 5 months I’ve been living at site and that no one did anything about my inquiries and calls of concern. But they do understand that I am not up to the challenge of starting over again. It will be a harrowing task that not alot of volunteers would agree to either. OMG...I’m going home.

SO I was told that I would need to get all my stuff out of my site myself...on public transportation. If I could get it to Bougouni a PC shuttle would be by there on Sunday (one week from now) to take me and my things to Bamako. There I would undergo medical exams and tests, have to close out my bank account and turn in all my PC equipment (bike, water filter, med kit, etc). My question to my regional coordinator was that if the PC shuttle was going to pass right by my village and then head to Bougouni then Bamako why couldn’t they just pick me up with my stuff in my village and I could come in with them. Makes sense to me, right? So the coordinator made a phone call, came back in and said “come on let’s go”. Let’s go!! Let’s go where? Your site. I have time to pick up your stuff today...let’s go. I didn’t know what to say. I only called and told PC 2 hours ago. I wasn’t sure I was ready to go to my site and get my stuff and say my goodbyes right now. But when it comes to transportation in Mali you take a ride when you can get it. So off we go. It went fairly smoothly. Of course my site was told that I had an emergency in the states and had to leave. Which I was not in agreement with them saying that. If they are going to put a new volunteer in there it is important that these issues be taken care of beforehand. Lying to them does no good for anyone. If they are afraid if they tell them the truth they are going to refuse a volunteer well then maybe they don’t need one in the first place. But it did make it easier for me to leave without them thinking it was because I felt things were not going well.

We packed my stuff and were done and gone in 45 minutes. My whole 8 months of life in the back of a jeep. We went back to Bougouni and I was dropped off with my stuff to await the shuttle on Sunday. It was a hard decision for me to make. I gave up a lot to take on this adventure. To admit it is not working out was a tough realization. Making the decision to call and go home was a tough task. But now that it is all said and done I do feel better and at peace. I’m sure I’m doing what is right for me...and my family...at this time. Now I can start freaking out about what I’m going to do when I get back home. I have no house, I have no car or motorcycle, I have no job. NO JOB!!! I can only hope I don’t spend the next year, or more, looking for a new job. I can’t survive without a job.

Monday, September 19, 2011

I don't want to turn this into a bitching session but I do want truth be known what I've been dealing with at my site/home.

For a while now I’ve been torn about what to do. I am feeling very unsuccessful and am definitely not getting anything accomplished in my village. It becomes more obvious to me every day that the matrone in my village has no intentions on working with me...or letting me work with her. Which I find really disturbing since she is the one that contacted Peace Corps, requested a volunteer and did all the leg work involved with actually getting a volunteer at your site. What was she hoping for. What is it that she wanted a volunteer for if not to work with her and help her in the clinic. There have been 5 separate incidences that we were supposed to go into Bougouni together. She was going to take me to the CSCOM (clinic) to introduce me to the doctors there and show me how and where she gets medicines to bring back to village. Each time we were supposed to go I showed up at the boutiki bright and early so we could catch the bus and each time she wasn’t able to make it. I went on to Bougouni without her because that’s my banking and market town and where I go anyway to talk to the boys and the rest of my family. Then there were 3 incidences where she “snuck” out of village and went to Bougouni without me. I don’t know why she felt the need to sneak. If she doesn’t want to work with me and doesn’t want me to go with her that’s OK with me. But again what is it that she wanted a volunteer for.

Then of course there’s my jatigi that comes to my house at 7am to tell me I’m old and lazy and I need to go out and work in the fields instead of sleeping all day. I told him, several times, under no uncertain terms was I there to be a free field hand for the village. I came here, to Mali...to Bougoula, to work in maternity with the matrone. My job is as a health volunteer. I will work every day, all day, all night with Miriam. If she doesn’t want me to work with here then so be it but I’m not working in the fields. I sit at her house, which is located right behind the maternity building, all day long waiting for someone to come along. Not that when they do she has me sit it on the consultation, exam or delivery, but I sit there waiting with her none the less. I believe she enjoys our friendship but that’s not what I’m here for.
My homologue, although I really enjoy hanging out with him, does not follow through with anything we start out with. It is so hard to keep everyone motivated. It’s very frustrating. He had finally planted some bashi yiri (moringa trees) but of course when the guys came to week and aerate they dug them all up and they are all dead now. Considering 3 children have died in my village since I’ve been living there I consider this a huge loss for the community. It is such a simple solution to a huge problem. But no one seemed to care they were gone.

And then there’s my neighbor “horny old guy”. I don’t even know what to say about him. He is the old, gross uncle that always has candy in his pocket to try and convince the young girls to hug him or sit on his lap. I never really felt threatened by his constant touching and feeling (or trying to) or I would have contacted PC earlier. If he ever did do something soooo inappropriate one good swift kick and he’d have gone down like a ton of bricks. No worries.

Add in the fact that my language skills suck and it adds up to that I’ve been feeling pretty useless here. I feel that if I stay I am wasting PC money, but if I go I am wasting PC money. It cost to do the screenings, to get me to Mali, to train me and of course I’ve been getting paid (just a measly stipen but surely enough to live comfortably here). But truthfully I’ve been thinking more and more about going home lately than I had been before.

One of the Mali directors came to my site today. I explained very clearly all of the above to her. I told her that I had spoken to my supervisor and others on my team about what was happening with the matrone and there was no follow up. I told her that my language skills suck and 5 months ago when everyone was getting a tutor I did not get offered one, even though I was one of the few people that did not pass the oral test in July the first time. I inquired about a tutor but no one ever got back to me. She met all the people that are involved in my being at my village...except for the matrone who was in Bougouni. She agreed right away with some of the observations I had made and why I felt the way I felt. She seemed to feel legitimately bad that maybe PC could have done a better job evaluating this site and preparing them for having a volunteer. Although she agreed with me she also said that she has seen situation like this turn around wherein the volunteer wound up being quite successful. We could pick all new players for me to work with. We could get me a tutor for a solid week and see if that couldn’t improve my language skills enough to be able to communicate better. Basically I would be starting over. I told her that although I would think about it, it sounds like a daunting task to me to start all over again. I haven’t been here 4 or 5 months. I’ve been here for 8 months. It takes months to build a rapour with the people you are working with. It takes months to build enough trust that they feel comfortable letting you into their circle and working with you. By that time and then add on starting hopefully at least one project after that point I would be here well over a year before I accomplished even the smallest of tasks. I would think about it and let her know.