September 26, 2011
So I thought about it, as I have been thinking about it day and night and I am so demotivated at this point I have decided now would be the right time for me to go home. I have stayed up nights, worrying myself sick wondering if this would be the right decision or not. I don’t want to go home and then wonder would it have been different and maybe worked out if I stayed longer. I kept coming up with “no...I don’t think so”. And so my decision is final. I am in Bougouni today so I will call PC and let them know. Knowing I was going to call them this morning I woke up sick to my stomach, very nervous and spent most of the morning crying. Like it or not this has been “home” for the past 8 months. I do like the people in my village and it will be hard to leave. PC was upset at losing what they consider a good volunteer. They are upset that they had not offered me enough support over the past 5 months I’ve been living at site and that no one did anything about my inquiries and calls of concern. But they do understand that I am not up to the challenge of starting over again. It will be a harrowing task that not alot of volunteers would agree to either. OMG...I’m going home.
SO I was told that I would need to get all my stuff out of my site myself...on public transportation. If I could get it to Bougouni a PC shuttle would be by there on Sunday (one week from now) to take me and my things to Bamako. There I would undergo medical exams and tests, have to close out my bank account and turn in all my PC equipment (bike, water filter, med kit, etc). My question to my regional coordinator was that if the PC shuttle was going to pass right by my village and then head to Bougouni then Bamako why couldn’t they just pick me up with my stuff in my village and I could come in with them. Makes sense to me, right? So the coordinator made a phone call, came back in and said “come on let’s go”. Let’s go!! Let’s go where? Your site. I have time to pick up your stuff today...let’s go. I didn’t know what to say. I only called and told PC 2 hours ago. I wasn’t sure I was ready to go to my site and get my stuff and say my goodbyes right now. But when it comes to transportation in Mali you take a ride when you can get it. So off we go. It went fairly smoothly. Of course my site was told that I had an emergency in the states and had to leave. Which I was not in agreement with them saying that. If they are going to put a new volunteer in there it is important that these issues be taken care of beforehand. Lying to them does no good for anyone. If they are afraid if they tell them the truth they are going to refuse a volunteer well then maybe they don’t need one in the first place. But it did make it easier for me to leave without them thinking it was because I felt things were not going well.
We packed my stuff and were done and gone in 45 minutes. My whole 8 months of life in the back of a jeep. We went back to Bougouni and I was dropped off with my stuff to await the shuttle on Sunday. It was a hard decision for me to make. I gave up a lot to take on this adventure. To admit it is not working out was a tough realization. Making the decision to call and go home was a tough task. But now that it is all said and done I do feel better and at peace. I’m sure I’m doing what is right for me...and my family...at this time. Now I can start freaking out about what I’m going to do when I get back home. I have no house, I have no car or motorcycle, I have no job. NO JOB!!! I can only hope I don’t spend the next year, or more, looking for a new job. I can’t survive without a job.
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